Frozen Flame

Now that you know my story, I will dedicate my time to answering some more pressing questions. Many people have been emailing me, asking about Hell, and I feel it is my obligation to answer them. The most common question so far has been:

How do I avoid going to Hell?

The answer is actually a simple one. There are only six steps to avoiding the great Inferno.

1. Be kind
2. Accept God
3. Don’t lust
4. Don’t be homosexual
5. REPENT!!!!
6. Don’t follow poets named Virgil into deep pits

Of course, each of these steps can be broken down into smaller lessons. Read on to discover the true way to avoid eternal agony.

Be kind

When talking to others, use a nice tone of voice, do your share of work, help those who can’t help themselves, and don’t murder your family members. The worst sins are those which show betrayal of people you love, and they are classified by Minos as “compound fraud.” To examine different types of kindness, I will use examples in the form of three people: Chris, Tracey, and Jamie. Disclaimer: all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

1. Chris, Tracey, and Jamie’s mothers ask them to do the dishes…
   1. Chris says, “of course, Mother Dearest,” then does the dishes.
   2. Tracey says, “of course not, shut up and get out of my face!” then walks away.
   3. Jamie says, “@!$# you,” then smashes a plate on the ground to emphasize his point.
2. Chris, Tracey, and Jamie meet an old friend in the library…
   1. Chris smiles, shakes her hand, and asks how she is feeling.
   2. Tracey smiles, then slaps her.
   3. Jamie sneaks up behind her, shoves her to the ground, and beats her with a book.
3. C, T, and J are in a small grocery store, and they want to get some bread…
   1. Chris gets a nice loaf from the shelf, brings it to the counter, and pays the cashier.
   2. Tracey finds a nice loaf from the shelf, and walks away without paying.
   3. Jamie finds as many loafs as she can, stuffs them into a sack, and runs out, shooting the cashier on the way.
4. C, T, and J have just been elected CEOs of successful companies and they are making $10,000 a month. To help their companies…
   1. Chris makes sure everyone at work is happy and well taken care of.
   2. Tracey outsources her slave labor to Bangladesh to increase profits.
   3. Jamie outsources his slave labor to Bangladesh, embezzles the profits, then hires a hitman to discourage his competitors.
5. Someone keeps taking C, T, and J’s favorite seats on a bus…
   1. Chris talks to him politely to see if he might use a different seat.
   2. Tracey lets him have the seat, he deserves it (the greedy bastard)… and HE will go to Hell for it, BWA HA HA! LET THE PAIN FESTER!!
   3. Jamie knows murder is the only option.

As you can see, it is best to be a “Chris.” Jamie and Tracey’s examples should be avoided.

Accept God

We again meet Chris, Jamie, and Tracey in two more examples, this time dealing with religiousness.

1. It is time for C, T, and J to get baptized…
   1. Chris willingly does so.
   2. Tracey does not.
   3. Jamie curses at God.
2. It is time for C, T, and J to pray…
   1. Chris willingly does so.
   2. Tracey does not.
   3. Jamie curses at God.

Don’t lust and don’t be homosexual

For the third time, here are Tracey, Jamie, and Chris, this time dealing with proper sexual behavior.

1. C, T, and J are visiting a married couple…
   1. Chris has a good time talking with her hosts.
   2. Tracey makes love with her host when the hostess isn’t around.
   3. Jamie makes love with his hostess when the host isn’t around, then makes love with the host when the hostess isn’t around.

REPENT!!!!

This is the most important section. If you have committed the above sins, all you have to do is be sorry, and you will still make it to heaven… if you acted like Tracey that is. If you acted like Jamie, you have a good chance of falling down to hell before you die and having your body be possessed by a demon.

So, how does one repent? Here are some tips:

1. Look as sorry as possible.
2. Use tears if you can.
3. If you can’t make yourself cry, try the puppy-face.
4. Look up, trying to be as cute as possible while slightly widening your eyes and raising your eyebrows on the sides.
5. Say, “I’m sorry” in a convincing voice.
6. Try practicing in front of a mirror until you find the method that best suits you
7. And remember, repenting is easy, you can stay out of hell with little effort at all! Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Thanks to one of my readers, Kendall, for the advice on this!

Don’t follow poets named Virgil into deep pits

This one is self explanatory.

-Dante Alighieri

I have been receiving many emails, and it seems like everyone wants to know exactly how I got here. It seems I didn’t make it clear enough in my first post, so here is my explanation.

First, I followed Virgil into hell, traveling through every layer until I reached the center (for more information read my Inferno, available on Amazon.com). Once there, I began to walk across the icy lake Cocytus, observing the frozen souls. Unfortunately, I did not simply walk on by, and escape out the other end of Hell as my book states. When I was walking on the lake, I accidentally slipped, fell hard on the ice, and cracked through a weak spot on the surface. My body submerged completely in the frigid depths, and I blacked out. Evidently, while I was partially unconscious Virgil just deserted me. I vaguely remember him looking down at me through the ice, shrugging his shoulders, and waltzing off with a smirk on his face. What a jerk.

Satan’s cold wind blew across the chasm I had forged, and sealed it up, freezing the slush, with me incased underneath. I don’t recall much after that, but I woke up 707 years later, when the ice’s glacial movement brought my head to the surface. I then began an agonizing year long wait, while the gradual drifting of the ice lake uncovered the remainder of my body. The various demons patrolling the area simply laughed at me, knowing I was a live human, but not caring the slightest.

Eventually, I escaped from my human-popsicle-bond, and I hurried off to find an exit. Conveniently, it was marked with a few large neon signs (evidently Hell underwent some renovation while I was sleeping) and I easily trotted out. What awaited me at the top nearly caused me to black out again: I was in the middle of a large garbage dump in a giant city. It was a warm night, and the heat was baking the trash around me, bringing out an odor that was a welcome relief to the horrid stench of Hell. I basked in the warmth, picking a brown banana peel off my head, and examining my surroundings. Puzzled, I wondered if somehow I had missed a turn and was back in Circle 3… no, I decided, it was too beautiful. I marched through the rubbish until I reached a small alley, and I made my way through the cavernous city, finding a nice dark corner to sleep.

I woke up, and ran to the nearest stranger on the street, yelling out, “Hey! What year is it?!” He looked puzzled, which was either due to the strange question, or the fact that it was in Italian. I suddenly realized that I had no respectable clothes (my robes had been torn to shreds).

After a few days (being the genius I am) I managed to decipher the language everyone was speaking (English), identify the year (2008) and the location (NY, NY)… oh, and I also found a job as a hot-dog vendor, bought some clothes, found someone willing to share a corner of their apartment with me, and set up a blog.

This brings me to where I am today, just a week after I emerged from Hell, and now ready to talk about what goes on down there and reveal secrets that are not found in my books.

Wow, my first blog post! My name is Dante, and I was a native Florentine until the evil Pope Boniface VIII kicked me out. During my exile, I met Virgil in a strange mountainous land. He brought me to hell. My life has been difficult, but I hope enjoy reading my blog! I am excited to be writing this, simply because this is my first time to ever touch a computer. It is actually my first on several accounts. My first post in vernacular English, my first time using the Internet, my first air-conditioned room, my first visit to the US, my first sno-cone, my first gasoline-powered lawn mower, and my first attempt at customizing the PHP and CSS in the WordPress semantic blogging framework and uploading files via FTP to a web server. Oh! What a journey it has been! Somehow I was frozen in hell for a few hundred years, and preserved perfectly, now when I finally come back to the surface, everything has changed and I am in a whole different country… I miss Italy, but at least now you can become a fan of me on Facebook.